


An Unlikely Protector

by EscapingArtist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Ficlet, Medication, Not Beta Read, Not Britpicked, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 16:38:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15934319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EscapingArtist/pseuds/EscapingArtist
Summary: Depression, anxiety, she had a name for it now but that didn't help her fight it. Then she found an unlikely ally and protector





	An Unlikely Protector

**Author's Note:**

> TW for mental health and suicidal thoughts. This spun off a dream where my depression was getting worse and, since I was a student at Hogwarts I sought help from Professor Snape.

Looking down the staircase, the walk down seemed too daunting…an Impossible Task. She sank down slowly on the top step, rubbing her hand across her eyes. This was more than tired, more than the grind of school and NEWTS and Quidditch.

Depression, anxiety. It was stealthy, creeping in, and it was getting worse. This time there were more Impossible Tasks she couldn’t muster the energy to face. It was invading her drams and, worst of all, her own mind mocked and jeered her using her own voice and fears to make the sting fierce.

Small comfort, but at least now it had a name. The 1st time it happened she’d gone to Madam Pomfrey who had briskly and efficiently dosed her with Pepper-Up potion and sent her on her way. But, the renewed energy it gave her body also sent her brain spiraling into overdrive until the sound of the common room made her feel like she was going to scream.

The 2nd time it happened she tried to laugh it off. Joking to Hermione about how sometimes she had to gather up her energy to even move from the common room to her dormitory. Hermione hadn’t laughed though. Instead, she’d marched her right to McGonnagal’s office, badgering her about mental health, depression, anxiety and getting a professional on staff.   
It didn’t matter though; her family wouldn’t hear about her going to some Muggle and letting them poke inside their daughter’s brain. They couldn’t track what she read though. She slipped books furtively off the shelves, reading enough to know that depression and anxiety wrapped and fitted perfectly around how she felt.

She was stalling again, trying to make it seem like she was sitting here on purpose, not because she couldn’t will her body to do anything else.   
“You could just tip forward” a voice breathed in her ear “It’s a long way down, by the time you got to the bottom it would all be over.” She didn’t turn around, barely flinched, she knew the nasty voice was in her own brain. “Or” it continued “Just leave. Walk away. You’ve earned that”

She took a deep breath, tried to focus her mind like she did before a particularly tricky transfiguration. Focused on getting one foot down each step. The fact it was a voice inside her frightened her the most. Her body and brain were supposed to be her ally.

She thought again about going to Professor Lupin. After all, if this wasn’t Dark Arts adjacent, what was? She was sure he would listen, maybe give her some chocolate and…advice? A spell? She didn’t know. But her feet carried her past Lupin’s office. She just couldn’t imagine telling him any of this.

Her footstep echoing off the stone wall brought her out of her thoughts. She was in the dungeon. It was quiet. No students, just the clank and swish of Professor Snape moving around his classroom.   
Her brain was tugging at her, nearly screaming at her to go back, but her feet carried her to the door. She leaned against the frame, willing it to keep her upright. Snape whirled around and his eyes narrowed “Well?” he snapped “What do you want.” Her mouth opened and closed. From somewhere in her robe she found a tissue and began shredding it into bits. His eyes narrowed.

“I need help” she blurted and he stepped back in surprise. She couldn’t meet his eyes, didn’t look up from the tissue she was twisting and shredding, but the words poured out. The voice from her own brain. The energy and force of will that seemed to leak out of her. The Impossible Tasks, things that should be easy but instead were more then she could handle. “But I don’t even need to tell you” she said with a half hysterical giggle “You can just read my mind, right?”

“I could” he said in a measured voice “If you give me permission” Startled, she looked up. He gazed at her calmly like it was the most normal question in the world. She wallowed, then nodded.   
It didn’t feel like she’d expected, which was a ridiculous thought, when had she ever considered what having your mind read would feel like?  
But, it was like being pulled along, behind someone walking much faster. Things flashed by, things she knew but couldn’t quite focus on. Every now and then the pace would slow and linger before rushing off again.

Spiraling down they reached a floor full of closed and locked doors. Each door cracked open for a quick moment, but it was like she was being held back, prevented from seeing what was inside. Then, it was over. She was back in the dungeon, shivering in a draft, and Snape was handing her a steaming cup.  
“It’s just tea” he said, like he had read her thoughts…. oh wait. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to laugh or cry. “Why did you come to me?” he asked quietly

“Well, I” she stumbled, gripping the mug tight. It was easier to talk if she didn’t look at him. “You know darkness” she finally said.

He looked at her for a long moment before sweeping over to this desk and pulling out a small vial. “There are a lot of locked doors in your mind. Walls you’ve thrown up out of self-defense. Places you try to pretend don’t exist.” He held the vial out to her “One of these a day will help keep your mind quiet. It will let you sleep, let you study…but it won’t make it go away.”

She twisted the glass, watching the pills clink against each other. “But,” he continued “If you come back, if we work together, we can get more light in.” She looked up, surprised “It won’t be easy, it won’t be fast, it won’t even eradicate it entirely. But, it will help. You’ll learn, well, protections, spells of self-defense almost. That plus the potion are a powerful combination.”

“Yes” she said without hesitation “Please”

“Very well,” he said briskly “Since you appear to be free at this time, come back tomorrow.”

“Thank you” she said, at least she thought she’d said it out loud. It was still drafty in the dungeon, but she felt warmer, even lighter. Maybe, maybe that was what hope felt like?


End file.
